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William Green's avatar

Looking forward to speaking with you in person about this, Frederik. A teacher of mine, Marcus Weston, once told me that there's a "period of disappearance" where you're in between two systems and you know that the old system no longer works for you but you haven't fully embraced the new system. I'm not expressing it properly but that idea of going through a period of disappearance certainly described it well for me. It's very disorienting, and I would say it lasted for several years, maybe a decade, where I felt pretty lost and almost at war with myself at times. For me, at a certain point, there was just a deep sense of letting go and trusting the process. There's a kind of slow-motion awakening of something new that's activated in a very mysterious way, and it feels like all of these forces are helping you along -- books, teachers, strangers, situations that teach you important lessons etc. As the Zohar says, "there are many helpers." So, even though it seems like a dark night of the soul, it's actually probably the opposite of that -- a kind of dawning of light. In retrospect, I think you look at the periods when you (or I, at least) felt maximally lost in the dark and it feels like you were being blessed.

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Cole Calfee's avatar

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going

I do not see the road ahead of me

I cannot know for certain where it will end

Nor do I really know myself

And the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean

That I am actually doing so

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road

Though I may know nothing about it

Therefore will I trust you always though

I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death

I will not fear, for you are ever with me

And you will never leave me to face my perils alone”

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